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<title>To Want by Pups_Side_Box (Puppyinabox)</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25276546">To Want</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Puppyinabox/pseuds/Pups_Side_Box'>Pups_Side_Box (Puppyinabox)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>What We Do in the Shadows (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anxiety, Bondage, Choking, I, I am fully projecting with this one lads, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Kink Negotiation, M/M, Nonverbal Communication, Possibly OOC, Relationship Discussions, Self Esteem, Self-Esteem Issues, Spanking, Top Surgery Scars, Trans Male Character, Transgender Male Character, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, bottom!guillermo, brief vaginal slapping, catholic guilt (brief), confession of feelings, idk nandor isnt a total dumbass in this so i guess that counts as a bt ooc, improvised bondage, improvised gag, just once, noncon roleplay, top! Nandor, trans!guillermo de la cruz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 08:47:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,686</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25276546</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Puppyinabox/pseuds/Pups_Side_Box</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>To Want is a complicated business, one Guillermo has not let himself get involved in because of the risks involved.  But Nandor wants him, and really he wants Nandor back, but to say that is more terrifying than any monster he’s seen or slain.</p><p> </p><p>Set ambiguously, grapples with Guillermo’s messed up view of himself and what he can/should/is allowed to do or think.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Guillermo de la Cruz/Nandor the Relentless</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>53</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>To Want</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Pretty people are allowed to want.  They’re allowed to want money, fame, glory.  They’re allowed to want peace, they’re allowed to want war.  They’re allowed to want sex.  They’re allowed to fantasize about others, they're allowed to love.  Pretty people are allowed to hold hands and smile.<br/>
This was a mantra guillermo said to himself, to keep himself in line.  Once I lose some pounds, he thought, once I get my hair just right, once my braces are off, once I’m a vampire, then I can want.  But until then he decided to keep the mantra in his head so he wouldn’t start to get off track.  He had goals to focus on.</p><p>Guillermo told himself the mantra was good, that it kept him focused, and that it came from being a good and goal oriented person.  In reality, however, this mantra stemmed from a childhood that consisted of shame from his church and fear from his peers.  Before he had a name for it he knew he wasn’t what the church saw as holy, and before he could tell himself otherwise he knew he was not what his peers saw as attractive.  The culmination of these influences lead to a stunting of his internal growth, and an installation of the belief that if he one day became everything he wasn't he would be happy.<br/>
He was beautiful.  He is beautiful.<br/>
But the damage was already done by the time he reached nandor.</p><p>Things had developed oddly.<br/>
Nandor was pretty.  Guillermo quickly nipped the thought of him in the bud, nothing would ever come of such a fantasy but pain and rejection, so he shouldn’t trouble himself with a quickened heart rate.  Not when blood was so precious.<br/>
Nandor was pretty.  And Nandor wanted much.  As he should, guillermo thought at first.  But he was high maintenance.  Guillermo grinned and bore it, however, it was all part of the process.</p><p>But a decade came and went, and things hadn’t changed the way he’d expected.  Nandor wanted, but Nandor wanted him.  If guillermo had allowed such a notion to ever cross a part of his mind that wasn't subconscious he would have known Nandor wanted him long before Nandor confessed.  His eyes lingered, so did his hands, and besides the occasional vampire orgy he never cared much for anything but prattling on to guillermo about his life as a warlord.  Guillermo simply considered the fact that Nandor didn't seem to display the same appetite as Nadja and Laszlo to be because he was older.  Guillermo was not aware that the only reason Nandor wasn’t off seducing random individuals or finding himself an eternal vampire mate was because he wanted guillermo.  Yet guillermo knew none of this, because to him it was impossible.<br/>
To Nandor it was excruciating.</p><p>Finally words Guillermo was terrified to dream of poured from Nandor’s razor maw and he told him everything.  He told him how he wanted him so badly, how he was afraid his want would scare the human away, how he wanted nothing more than to hold guillermo as he fell asleep or came down from a night of passion.<br/>
And guillermo screamed.</p><p>Nandor panicked and hid his face in his cloak, apologizing.  Guillermo shook his head and stammered </p><p>“No master I just- that’s ridiculous…” guillermo laughed manickly.</p><p>“I understand… you do not want me.  That is…. i will learn to accept this-“</p><p>“No- wh- i mean…” Guillermo sighed shakily and clutched his forearm, “I just… I never thought-“</p><p>“Were you under the impression I was straight because I had thirty seven wives, Guillermo?”</p><p>“No.  I know you’re not straight, I just…” Guillermo’s grip on his arm tightened to near bruising pressure, “I never.” </p><p>Talking was difficult.  Guillermo was never good at confessional and he preferred to silently mouth the rosary.  Talking to Nandor about this felt like pulling teeth out of his own skull with his bare hands.</p><p>“I refused to entertain the idea-“ Guillermo spoke slowly, through grit teeth-“that you could ever want me.  I refused to think it possible, because I knew that it would never be true and I knew it would only hurt if I pursued such a line of thought.” Guillermo was careful with his words, avoiding modern phrasing for Nandor’s sake, “I-  for a split second I had hoped you’d… you’d say all that.  But I forced myself to never hope that again.”</p><p>Nandor was silent after Guillermo said his piece.  This terrified Guillermo to his core.  Panic overtook all his senses.  Of course that had been a trick, a test to see how gullible he truly was.  Just like in highschool, when he’d been told to meet someone after school under the guise of a crush and got his teeth kicked in instead.  Nandor had pulled the rug out from under him, surely.</p><p>But Nandor’s hand came to his shoulder, then it slid across to his back, and his other arm wrapped around guillermo and held him.  Guillermo hadn’t noticed he was crying until he heard how loud his sobs were, even muffled against the crushed velvet of Nandor’s coat.  He steadied his breathing to match the vestigial breath that moved rhythmically through Nandor’s lungs, and sighed,</p><p>“I thought you simply were not interested in Vampires that way, guillermo, it can turn some people off…” Nandor said as Guillermo finally faced him,</p><p>“I’ve stayed here for nearly twelve years because I Wanted to be a vampire, why would- never mind…” guillermo shook his head, “i do-...” he pressed his mouth into a thin line and made a noise of frustration.</p><p>“It’s ok if you can’t say it after avoiding the subject for so long.  Just know that… that i want you and-“ Nandor spoke in a hushed tone, as if what he intended to say was somehow more scandalous than his confession of desire for guillermo, “I care about you.”</p><p>Guillermo nodded and pressed his face into Nandor's shoulder as over a decade of repressed through shots began to rage through Guillermo’s mind.  Images of Nandor above him, ideas of how his lips may feel, the thought of his ragged breath against Guillermo’s neck.<br/>
It frightened him, he was still so used to fearing those ideas, to pushing them away before they consumed his mind and dug thorns into his brain.  Vocalizing these wants would be out of the question.  In fact, vocalizing a protest to such things would fall far easier from Guillermo’s lips.</p><p>So an agreement was made.  Protocols were written, as Nandor requested, and signed.  Guillermo found writing what he desired to be far easier than saying it aloud, though even writing was hard too and his hands trembled around the pen.<br/>
Nandor had been slightly taken aback by Guillermo’s request.</p><p>Written in sloppy print on a yellow legal pad, “no means yes, yes means yes, red means no” carried the sheer weight of nearly every prayer Guillermo knew.</p><p>Nandor had asked guillermo do elaborate, </p><p>“Fantasy, role play, not real. R-“ illegible, “me.  Red means no for real.  Green means good if asked. Yellow slow down/pause.”</p><p>“I-... I see.” Nandor said slowly, “so… you wish for me to pretend to ravish you as you pretend to not enjoy it?  To not… to not consent?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“And Red will mean that you actually wish for me to stop.”</p><p>“Yes.” Guillermo’s hands became less shaky, “like a play/movie.  It’s pretend.”</p><p>“I understand… however perhaps…” Nandor fiddled with the edge of his cloak and for the first time in over a decade he looked small to Guillermo, “I do not wish to hurt you Guillermo.  The idea has- my frustration has lead to the idea of simply taking you crossing my mind but-  I am not sure if i can do that to you.”</p><p>“Then-“ guillermo paused his writing- “maybe in the role play it’s not me?”</p><p>“Please explain?”</p><p>“Like a play.  I act as someone else.  Villager?  Innocent on the street?  Feeding victim?  Alter-“ he shook his head and crossed that option out- “or something?”</p><p>“So… am I still me?”</p><p>“Dont have to be.”</p><p>“Ok… I-  I think I may like this, actually.  Perhaps-  perhaps I am still a conqueror and I have taken you far from your home to be my servant or slave?”</p><p>A soft whine made it past Guillermo’s teeth and he hid his face in his hands, nodding. Nandor smiled, “ok… ok.  So- so when would this… play begin?”</p><p>“Um-  we can-“ Guillermo spoke, his voice slightly strained, “we can do it whenever you-“</p><p>“I want to know what you want, guillermo.” Nandor stressed the word ‘you’</p><p>“Tonight.” Guillermo wrote. “Some time late.  Am hours.  Don't want to expect it too much(still ask for color before.)”</p><p>“Alright.” Nandor rested his head against Guillermo’s shoulder, “we can still- we can still cuddle though, right?”</p><p>“Of course…” Guillermo said softly, holding Nandor’s hand, “of course.”</p><p>The rest of the night consisted of only partially hiding their held hands from the other housemates and some more talking.  Guillermo came to realize he had a far easier time discussing issues of romance and interests.  What kind of date he would like, or what sort of romantic things he would want to do.  Granted he still stuttered and stammered through these discussions, but he saw it as progress.  Matters of sexuality were far more difficult.  But Nandor and Guillermo would work with that, and work around it a little.<br/>
Later on, Guillermo and Nandor both had things to attend to, and Guillermo wanted to read in his room.</p><p>The curtain was pulled back sharply, Guillermo looked up from his book to see Nandor standing in the doorframe in full battle regalia. Tension hung in the air.</p><p>“Green.” Guillermo breathed.</p><p>Nandor was on him within seconds. His hand gripping Guillermo’s hair at the back of his head.  Guillermo thrashed as Nandor dragged him to the blue room, in which the windows had been boarded up and covered with dark curtains long before any notion of this had come into the house.</p><p>Nandor threw guillermo to the floor, knocking his glasses off of his face.  Nandor picked them up and put them on a nearby dresser, surprisingly gently considering the role he was in.  Guillermo reached for them but Nandor took his wrist and hauled him over to the bed,</p><p>“W-wait-“ Guillermo cried, Nandor hesitated.  “Green.” He whispered. Nandor continued.</p><p>He wrenched Guillermo’s sweater up and off of him, his cold hands dragging over the stark white of his shirt.  Guillermo squirmed.  Nandor stood between his parted legs, flush, making kicking not an option, though he still kicked at the air, and even with his arms he pushed uselessly at nandor’s shoulders, there was no getting away.<br/>
Nandor tore open guillermo's button down shirt, some buttons popping off and away,</p><p>“Please, no-“ guillermo whined when nandor tied his wrists above his head with his shirt, grinding down against guillermo as he leaned across him to do so. Nandor hesitated once again, but Guillermo remained patient. “Green.” He whispered once again, in reassurance. </p><p>Nandor ran his hands down Guillermo’s body, stopping at his chest to take the muscle there and squeez.  Nandor’s sharp nails traced along the long scars before squeezing again, Guillermo whimpered at being groped that way,</p><p>“Master, I don’t want to” </p><p>Nandor growled, inches from Guillermo’s face,<br/>
“I do.”<br/>
He kissed Guillermo when he opened his mouth to protest, his tongue shoved past his lips.  </p><p>Guillermo groaned around Nandor’s tongue, his eyes squeezed shut.  Nandor pulled back just as Guillermo grew light headed, his vision swimming when he opened his eyes.  Nandor’s hands moved down from his chest to his hips and squeezed again, groaning. Guilermo made an attempt to kick him then but one of the hands came away from his hips and shot up around his neck. </p><p>“Stop-“ he said feebly, both for the role and to show Nandor he could still give his safeword if the need arose.  The grip made him feel like his blood was on fire in his veins and arteries.  Nandor could feel Guillermo’s thundering pulse in his neck.  With his other hand Nandor undid Guillermo’s pants and stripped them away along with his underwear.  Guillermo heard his packer thud gently on the floor and tried to press his thighs together, though he could not with Nandor between his legs.  He noticed Nandor had trimmed and filed his nails on one hand, guillermo hid his smile at that,</p><p>“Please, master, stop- I-“ guillermo cried out as nandor plunged two fingers roughly into him, fucking into him mercilessly.  It took Guillermo a few moments before he was wet so until then it simply burned and stung, and Guillermo relished that pain.  The room was filled with the sound of metal and leather clanking and groaning against each other, Guillermo’s whimpered protests, Nandor’s growls, and the wet sound of Nandor’s fingers inside of him.<br/>
Nandor pulled his fingers out and Guillermo thought it may be over, but he reached down and pulled his own straining cock free.  Nandor rubbed the tip of his cock along the length of Guillermo’s, then teased at Guillermo’s hole.  He pulled back though, Nandor’s still clawed hand coming back and then coming down against Guillermo’s sensitive slit.  Guillermo screamed, the scream muffled when nandor shoved one of the legs of Guillermo’s pants into his mouth and gagged him.  He struck Guillermo again, this time on the inner thigh, and dragged his claws against his soft flesh.  Nandor then pumped his cock a bit before lining himself up with Guillermo’s hole,</p><p>Guillermo’s protests were silenced by the improvised gag in his mouth, and he let out another muted scream as Nandor fully sheathed himself in Guillermo.  He waited a bit, and pulled the gag out of Guillermo’s mouth,<br/>
“Two fingers for go, one finger for stop.” Guillermo whispered, quickly, before being gagged again after holding two fingers up.</p><p>The pace Nandor set was violent and unrelenting.  The leather and metal of his battle fatigues bruised Guillermo’s ass and thighs.  Nandor briefly jerked Guillermo’s cock, quick and cruel and dry as he fucked him.  Guillermo reached his crescendo at that, clenching around Nandor.  But Nandor didn't stop, he wasn't done.  The over stimulation made tears fall from Guillermo’s eyes as they rolled back slightly in their sockets.  Guillermo came two more times, despite himself before nandor pulled out of him and dumped him onto his knees on the floor.  He left the gag in Guillermo’s mouth as he jerked himself to completion onto Guillermo’s face.  Guillermo whined.  Nandor took the gag out, Guillermo letting out a soft sob as this was done.  But Nandor flipped the fabric gag so the dirty side was shoved into Guillermo’s mouth as Nandor thumbed at the cum on Gillermo’s cheek.  Guillermo was trembling as he leaned into Nandor’s hand.</p><p>“Clean?” Nandor asked,</p><p>Guillermo made a bit of a show of opening his mouth wide enough for the gag to slip out, his tongue hanging from his mouth.  The gag was clean of Nandor.  Nandor pressed his thumb, cumb still on it, against the center of Guillermo’s tongue.<br/>
“Good.” He said.</p><p>There was a beat before they both let out a sigh and Nandor undid Guillermo’s bindings.  He rubbed gentle circles into Guillermo’s wrists.</p><p>“Can you stand?” Nandor asked,</p><p>Guillermo shook his head.  Nandor nodded and lifted him up, grabbing a blanket and covering Guillermo with it as he took him to the bathroom, where Nandor then gently helped Guillermo wash himself.</p><p>Guillermo lay, skin to skin, in the blue bed with Nandor, breathing gently.</p><p>“That was… you-...” nandor spoke,</p><p>“I enjoyed that.  Very much.  Did you?”</p><p>“Yes, I-  I hesitated to say so because I was afraid you may not have.”</p><p>“I would’ve used the safeword or safe signal if I didn't.” Guillermo explained, “I wouldn’t lie about that or hide that from you.”</p><p>“Thank you.” Nandor’s arm tightened around guillermo,</p><p>“You don't have to pretend you’re not nervous just because i am.  We’re both… we’re both nervous, it’s ok.”</p><p>“Okay-ay…” Nandor grinned.</p><p>Guillermo laughed.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry if the pacing is off there at the end or if it’s weird how they talk after in some way?  I’m not experienced writing smut, let alone noncon, but this has been living rent free in my brain and google docs for some time now.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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